How would you like to be remembered?

Life is a series of odd events chained up together, created other random odds, make you lives full of mysteries, miserables, surprises and joys. We don’t get to choose the event, it just happen.

You thought you were a healthy young person, you have cancer. When modern medicine and your surviving will power helped you to beat the odd, you got killed by accident. So much like Final Destination!

Cheesy but true.

All you can do is whatever happens to you, you learn to cope with it, make every event worth, make a good/unique image for others to hold on.

The unfortunate young man was a kind, warm big brother. He was someone you will go to for advice or help. Though, my memory of him is very limited, I choose to memorize him like this.

My friend told me, she dreamed of her late father and asked him why he never come to see her. He told her that he was traveling in Africa. Instead of whining, she smiled, because this is her father, a free spirit.

I dreamed of my father days before father’s day, he was wearing his suits but 2 sizes too big, hurrying to work, grumpy and tense. This was him, this is what I can remember of him.

How you would like to be remembered?


Preface for “Another ghostish story…”

It was a twist of a Buddhist story, I heard long time ago. The original one is rather simple, and ended when the monk revealed that the lady was the dead body, who came back for searching the one, to repay him with her love. Explain why we had what we had and eventually we will find the one.

A odd reunion, for me.

But the story supposed to ask who indulged themselves in unsuccessful relationships to let go, to take easy every time when we failed. Giving hopes as the fascinating destiny or fate will do.

Are we intelligence enough to see through this, to accept this? The fate that fail us. The chance that slip through our fingers.

It is like chasing ghosts. Or we are just trying to lie at ourselves for a little comfort?

Another ghostish story…

Not a ghost story if you are looking for thrill of excitement. I am sorry.

Here it is…

Sobbing lady turned herself to a monk asking for answer, answer of why every of her relationships fell apart, or simply ended before anything started.

“Take a look at the mirror.” monk said calmly, gently, “what do you see?”

“A beach, with a naked body, all pale and lifeless.” She said.

Minutes passed, monk asked, “now, what do you see?”

“People passed by, some clearly had seen no body, some saw it went away with fear and swallow, and then couple of people stopped in front of the body, grieved. Longer than the others.”

“Anything more?”

“What is he doing?”

“What did you see?”

“A man stayed, grieved with his prayer, sorry for the unfortunate. And covered the body with his clothes.”


“He left. Shaking his head… ”

“Is that it? Anything else?”

She stared at the mirror, fascinated, waiting for somthing happen.

Minutes passed by, she started to feel anxious. “That’s it?! Nothing? She is all vulnerable, all alone, poor soul…”, she sobbed, try to turn her head way and caught a flash at the corner of her eye, a shadow, another man, grieving her soul.

She turned her focus back to the mirror.

He opened his arms, wrapped her tightly, embraced the body with his chanting, then he picked her to a proper ground.

“Is he going to bury her?”

“See…” monk said it firmly.

He dug her a grave, gently placed her in the centre, surrounded her with fresh flowers. Buried her and gave her a head stone with a name.

“You’re home”, the man said with warm smile on his face, “sleep tight”

The image faded, woman looks lost, ”
Why did you show me this?”

“It was you, your previous lives.” continue his calm.

“What? Lives?”

“You were one of those men. And you were once the poor dead body.”

She looked even more lost.

“You once igored the poor body, like you have ignored the poor guy who pursued you. Once you passed by the body, like a glance to the interesting souls passed by. The previous one, he gave you the short happiness and the warmth you yearn for. You thought he was the one, the one to end your miserables. Unfortunately, he left. Just like the man who gave you a cover but nothing more.”

She cried with all her strength, “I thought he is my last…” said repeatedly.

“No, child, your story doesn’t end here. Don’t let your tears clouded your sight. Open your eyes. Someone is coming. Just like there is a poor soul waiting and searching for you. You’ll find each other.”

“What if there is no next one? What if he is lost? What if the next is not the one? What if I am not his one? What if I had my chance? What if … ” she panic, more than ever.

“Woman, wake up from your endless mess!” he commanded.

She woke up from her lonely bed, walked to her mirror, lost in her tears…


how much eyes can say…

this’s the first time, i saw confusion, frustration and somewhat disappointment from someone’s eyes.  the very same eyes once told joy, warmth, little excitement and curiosity…

now, i see tired and hollow in mines.

i have myself to blame.

to erase

people connections are strange, always fascinated me.  because it is mostly complicating, confusing and addictive.

till to the annoying point that, you’ll wish, actually, yearn or scream to erase that. like it never happen, never a spark, never connect, never exist… so you can get back the boring yet peaceful mind.

I guess that’s why I love “eternal sunshine of the spotless mind

Movie still of eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. (click the image to watch the music video)

Movie still of eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. (click the image for the music video)

Sound track available in youtube:

Creepy Fairy Tales…

TV drama like Sherlock, Elementary and Grimm are my shelters to escape from the suffocated reality.

Grimm is not a very serious production like House of Cards, I will say, fact is I’m kind of love it that way. For those who don’t know Grimm, it is a fantasy tv series inspired by the Grimm Brothers’ fairy tales.  It is a detective story on homicide and royal scandals in the world between normal human being, Wesen (creature which can transform into human form) and Grimm (Guardian between human and Wesen).  Honestly, if you take away the Grimm and Wesen elements in the story itself is an boring detective story. But I do love the idea to transform the traditional Grimm’s stories into a modern series.

I always think the fairy tale is the most horrifying, bloody and abnormal kind of stories ever. The publishers / authors repackaged it into colorful, sweet and adorable dreams.  9 out of 10 fairy tales, you can wake up from nightmare and back to normal happy world again.  The world is sickening positive.  If you bold up the dark element of the story for just a little, the whole story will be R-rated.

Grimm, the TV series, slightly done that.  To fit the TV standard, I assume, it only makes the bad creatures into aggressive and powerful Wesen who kills, it doesn’t magnify enough. I guess if ShowTime produces it, they can turn it into True Blood or Dexter.

GRIMM poster

GRIMM poster

Or at least, the producers should refer to a Japanese’s Fiction – “Really Horrible Grimm’s Fairy Tales” by Kiryu Misao (台譯: 桐生 操, 註 <令人戰慄的格林童話>).  With a series of 3 books, contained most of the popular Grimm’s Fairy Tales and restructure the story in a more realistic angle. I remember the sleeping beauty to be held hostage and put into coma in her castle is only because the king/her father wants to keep her to himself.  Fetish kicks in…

Really Horrible Grimm Story, book cover

Really Horrible Grimm Story, book cover

Thing is, you can randomly pick a story and see how sick it is, remember the candy house in the woods? Witch built a candy house in the deep of the woods to trap lost children, so that she can kill them and thrown them into the oven grill them like little piggish.  When we tell the story, we normally use it to warn kids not to running around alone otherwise would be eaten by gross horrible witches.  We threat our youngs to behave!

it’s not horrible enough?! then we tell them there were 2 kids a boy and a girl who found the house and being captured, wait for being grilled.  What they do? They have a chance to escape for good.  No, they choose to kill the witch to end it once and for all and live in the candy house happily ever after.  How they kill her? Trick and thrown her into the oven.  No mercy, no forgiveness. cold blooded.

Ok, we have been taught that bad people with cold blood and black heart, but good innocent children? It’s a calculated homicide, no matter who they kill, it feel wrong.  Don’t we have to learn how to forgive and try to educate bad people to be good?

Not in this story, and many others…

read your fairy tales carefully before you input them into your children’s little mind. It will stay forever!


I used to write a lot of dreams.  Weird, sometime horrible, bloody, rarely happy and nice.  Interesting enough, I found my difficult dreams are as rich as a story, more worth to share.

this time, i tried not to make it a story.  It was very short, i supposed, it is hard to tell time in a dream. I try to tell it according dream dictionary. Here you go:

I dreamed about a man I know, sitting face-to-face with me.  It was a first person vision, there was sunshine coming through the window, shining from the back of his head; I could feel the warm soft golden blade through his hair.

While I lost in the light and his crystal clear blue eyes, he said softly, almost whispered, “I am not going to see you again.  We are not going to see each other again…”

I still lost, he repeated, “I am not going to see you again.  We are not going to see each other again.”

I regained my focus to his pale face with mechanic smile.  I have nothing to say, nor feel.  It should ought to be ache, isn’t it?

No, nothing.

He repeated and repeated these very 2 sentences until I wake up.

That’s it, very short. Kind of disturbing, so I look up the dream dictionary try to figure out what my subconscious wants to tell me. According to the dream dictionary, I have to identify the mood and key words in the dream, these are what I found:

Moods / Key words:

  1. Warmth – To feel warmth in your dream signifies contentment and satisfaction in your current state.  You are happy with where you are.  Alternatively, feeling warmth is analogous to hope and unconditional love.
  2. Rejection – To dream that you are being rejected signifies a lack of self-worth.  You feel alienated.  Alternatively, the dream means that you are being too agreeable and accommodating, where your own sense of self is lost.  You need to be more assertive and learn to say no to others.
  3. Foreigner – To see a foreigner in your dream represents an aspect of yourself that is unfamiliar or strange to you.  You may be neglecting or ignoring some importance feelings or talents.
  4. Man – To see a man is known to you, the dream may reflect you feelings and concerns you have about him
  5. Sunshine – To dream of sunshine indicates that you are experiencing some sort of emotional or situational breakthrough.  The dream is offering you reassurance that you are headed on the right track.
  6. Repeat – to dream that something is repeating indicates that there is some message that you need to ingrain in your mind.  Perhaps you are trying to memorize something.  Alternatively, the dream refers to the monotony and routine of your daily life. You need to get out of the rut.


I am a self-doubted-and-lost person who experiencing some sort of emotional / situational breakthrough, hopefully on the right track on seeking hope.  And being warned by my conscious that I am ignoring my important feelings and wanting to get out of the situation.  And yet, I am happy with where I am?!

Ok, I am officially confused!

this is how warm I felt when I saw him in person and in the dream... weird! Photo by cgar

this is how warm I felt when I saw him in person and in the dream… weird! Photo by cgar by Sony Xperia Z1 in Sep 2014.